Forced to Look in the Mirror of Truth

I have finally gained the courage to post the letter I wrote on the day the hearing was held and decided upon.

6-10-2004

Well today turned out to be a very difficult and draining day. Went to sleep around 5 a.m. and was back up at 7. Trying to get ready for the hearing was no fun as I was very nervous. Should Beulah Gale go with or stay at home? Getting the kids ready for childcare (a very rare thing) and changing shirts a half dozen times. The day I have been waiting for over a year had finally arrived, and I am so nervous I can't sit still.

It is a rainy and over cast day...Just like the day I was ran over...

Once the kids are deposited, it is just she and I, as we drive to the big town...Small talk and little tidbits of encouragement from her from time to time. When we finally arrive and find a parking spot, she looks to me and asks, "what will we do if we do not win?" I answer, "I don't know.....We will win..."

We finally make it to the third floor and find where we are to be, the security guard is most pleasant and appreciated for his attitude. Beulah Gale offers more encouragement and I am probably just as nervous as any time one of our children were born (at home). I try to pace, but forget that...The gimped are not very adept at pacing...So I hobble back and forth. The attorney finally arrives and tries to prepare me and I assure him I am ready, while mentally I am just about to flip! The rest of our lives will be decided within the space of an hour, and I am supposed to feel at ease! Where's my faith?

It is finally D-day and 0 hour is here. The guard opens the door and out walks this woman who is mentally tried, and nothing can be found of any hope in her face, just confusion...Did she win or lose? It is evident that she will be waiting for quite awhile as the judge reviews her case and gives his decision at a later date. She is wearing a full back brace and has no answers. How in the world could I expect anything more than she has received? I don't look anywhere near as pitiful as she. Still I pray, "Lord, I need to know today."

The guard takes our evidence and presents it to the judge for review as we all sit outside waiting. Will he decide to just throw the case completely out? Anxiety is soaring to greater heights as we wait. Now I don't want a decision at all! If only I could get the courage to leave....I don't want to face the judgment that would soon come, as it couldn't possibly turn out good. The guard leads us in.

Once settled, the judge is very hospitable, yet I am so intimidated. Where's the tough guy who can get run over and laugh as the EMT's work on him? He is nowhere to be found, and somehow, I seem to escape with him...I am there answering questions about ability to work, degree of pain, education etc., etc., yet, it is as if I am viewing this like a television show. All was going well as I listened to the questions and my answers as a detatched observer, until one question was asked, "How do you feel as a person, a husband, and father? How do you view yourself?" The "me" on the stand starts out just fine, then suddenly "I" the real person am thrown into the witness seat. No more hiding as the detatched person previously there doesn't know the answers! Why did my attorney have to ask this one question? The image of "me" was doing just fine on his own, but now, I would have to address issues that I never knew existed, or rather, refused to realize were there. As I am under oath, there could no longer be any of those "Super Ego, tough guy" answers, as I had hid from for many years, and somehow had even stopped them from invading any conscious realization. How did I feel? As I start to reveal them in a strong stance, my foundation quickly eludes me and I find myself crying like a baby as I have to admit the failure that has been hiding behind the smiles for so long. I was not the strong husband my wife deserves, nor was I the father who ran and played with his children. I did not make time for them as pain has a very greedy and needy price that demands payment. I am not a good provider and how can a man such as I am, be a good role model or adored husband. There it was! Sobbing and barely able to talk, I had to admit to being a total failure in life.

Finally, once I am totally unable to speak anymore, I look around at my wife for help,I was so sorry that once again I had caused her pain as I see her crying also...There could be no help.

After a minute of sobbing and silence, the judge finally interrupts with a swept down voice and says, "I have enough medical evidence and the testimony doesn't need to go any farther, I have made a decision." At this point I know he is going to deny the benefits to someone who just didn't try hard enough at life. He continues, "I am going to write a positive letter of allowance for disability benefits." I try to gather myself, apologize to the judge, and with the assistance of my wife and attorney, leave the room. They are both jubilant and I am just there. On the elevator down to the first floor the attorney says, "I have sit in over a hundred hearings with this judge and this is the first time I have ever seen or heard of him giving a bench decision like this."

On the way home she is so happy, and I am still in shock. We decide to stop at a restaurant/diner, and talk in solitude for a little while. She was so excited that life could now go on, and I was still in shock from the revelations I had to discover and disclose about myself. The gravity of it all had not hit yet. We make it home and the kids are excited as it becomes very evident that all the worry we had been carrying, they had been sharing the load right along with us. It amazed and saddened me to see their faces change into the faces of carefree children as opposed to the stressed countenance of a child having to see how mean the world really can be. What kind of father allows his children to go through this? I don't like the mirror...