Saturday, May 29, 2004

Some Sleep, FedEx, and the Newspaper

Praise God! Slept from 4:00 a.m. to 7:34 a.m.! Three and a half hours of straight uninterrupted sleep! I feel so awake! It's been so long since I have had this kind of rest....

Well, the UPS shipment didn't arrive because UPS didn't have the stuff. Instead it was shipped in FedEx...On a semi-truck.....Talk about heavy...Long evening and all that is left is the delivery.

I've been thinking much about people lately and their presuppositions of their place in the world. In reading the local small-town newspaper, I find about relatives visiting various townfolk, local politicians and their look of position, tragedies found, and obituaries of people who might have never before been found worthy of print.

I move on to the larger newspaper of nearby college/industrial towns, and find happenings of cultural value and people related to it. I also find about new businesses openings accompanied by hopeful smiles as would normally be found on the face of a new papa. I see commentaries on subjects of no real value to human life than the reason to rant, and I see tribute to the lives of the departed fortunate alongside the misfortunes of the less regarded. Everywhere I find someone has the ultimate way for me to save money by shopping at their establishment, or values on new cars I can only dream about.

On up to a paper/magazine of national or international scale, I find people mentioned for noble birth and caste, riots and the incivility of the human race, agenda's, and other notable mentions.

In all this, I am given a view humanity as a whole. Here I sit in my little bedroom while my four kids play on the bed, I am privy to the lives, hopes, and tragedies of the world....Both my local and global neighbors are here. I wonder who has the answer to life and can offer a true definition of success.

Grandma Jones was at her proudest moment when she was presented a great grandchild in her living room, while a thousand miles away, Jack Doe is being toasted for winning a Pulitzer.

I see a picture of old Walter Thompson being helped from a pickup truck after returning home from the funeral of his wife of 47 years. The text quotes some of the talk inside his little house as they remember funny and memorable milestones in the life of his wife. Across a Continent I see Limousines with family members and associates being escorted to the graveside of their recently departed...owner of a Fortune 500 company. The text gives a breakdown of his success in business, then goes on to discuss how his empire will be divided.

At the funeral of Walters wife, I am told that he just stood with his grown children with a look of loss, as he wretched at the brim of his hat, the photo's of the mogul's funeral shows the ladies in vale and men with starched faces.

In the end...Who will be the more sorely missed?

Maybe I should not read the papers for awhile...

Friday, May 28, 2004

UPS didn't deliver

Well, as it turned out, UPS didn't deliver everything we needed to put together the kits...Should arrive today which will make for a long Saturday....

Wouldn't it be nice if plans actually worked out?

Will Sleep Come

It is 4:20 a.m. and am still waiting on sleep...

Have been doing some thinking about my situation. Why does life have to be so preoccupied by the need for money? I have absolutely the most wonderful wife and kids who all love each other. I could not ask for more.

I am just put aside by the fact that I as a Father am not a good provider. It seems that no matter what I try, or how hard I have tried, I have failed. I am so tired of watching my children accepting less in a world of more. While I don't believe they should always get what they want, they should be afforded some nice things.

Having much pain now and I think that compounded by our shakey standing right now is not helping at all.

I have to wonder if I did have the ability to provide a good life, would I still have a good family???

Later, it is time to lay down and watch the clock...

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Still Running

Well, I just awoke and found I have added two more hours to my sleep card. Much to do today. Ups will be bringing some stuff that we will package into kits then send back out tomorrow. Also getting the kids to do their chores has become a chore itself.

Much pain...Rain must be on the way!

More later

Had to come in and edit this post. seems like medical condition is working against my writing skills as well. I sometimes don't transcribe my thoughts correctly. In this case, bring had to be changed to bringing. Also a few cases of dyslexia poking up it's ugly head also.

Running of Fumes

I still have had very little sleep, but things are getting odd. I have felt rested the last couple of days on a total of 3 hrs of sleep out of 48.

Pam took the dog to the vet to get stitches out, and picked up some pour-on flea/tick killer...Hopefully this will work as the poor dog has received little relief from the stuff sold in the stores. We'll see.

I went along with Pam and the kids to her home office to pickup some material then on the my school. It was good to see Susan, Mike, and the rest of the gang. Christie has taken a new job at a bank and will be missed... It was nice to take the kids up because they always get all kinds of attention. Today Mangela took the kids to the chum bucket and bought them some candy...They were so excited! Susan and Mike also made a big fuss over them, which they totally loved.

On our way back from Bentonville, we dropped by the wholesale house to pick up some supplies for our flea market booths. I wasn't totally happy with what they had, but it was still worth the trip. Found some really cool giraffe's and a hippo figurine.

On the final leg home, a 19 mile strip of country without any stores or gas stations, I noticed the fuel gage was on "E". That's what I hate about fibromyalgia; things that normally would be noticed, just slip by. Anyway, we ended up having to detour to Westville for gas. I think we just prayed our way there, as It was so below the mark. When we did get to a station, the tank kinda gasped when I took the cap off...literally running on fumes. The depressing part was that it took $45 to fill the tank. This $2 a gallon junk is getting so old.

One thing I forgot, at the wholesale house, I picked up two really awesome cast iron doves. Very cool. Hopefully we will have good sales this month...Money is so very tight, and it is very scary when investing what little you don't have, in order to not get by. We are playing a frightening game...Praying we will be able to pays bills next month. This stress is starting to get to all of us.

Pain level didn't get too bad until late this evening, then had to really hit the meds for some relief. Storms must be on the way.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

A Sad Note

Just found out that a very good friend I call Mama, just lost a grandaughter. Tashi was just 16 years old. Mama tried so hard with these children and it saddens me much at her loss.

All our prayers for Mama.

Day of the Attorney

I woke around 8:30 this morning, but it took me until 9:45 to be able to get out of bed.

Showered, Pam got the kids ready and we went to town.
Post office, attorney, bank, bank, Wal-mart Pharmacy.

At the attorney, I found out how I needed to dress and what I needed to bring. Believe it or not, this is the first time I have met my attorney, but was impressed!
I've got to come up with past and present letters of Reference, so think that will be no big deal. Also need academic transcript, pharmacy records, Letter of qualification from Arkansas Rehab Services, and anything else I might find pertinent.

Am having much trouble with short term memory and sleep. Up all night due to pain, then fall asleep for an hour or so during prime family time. This is really disrupting life..........

The pain was moderate today...Tolerable with meds, but no fun!

Our debt seems to be compounding daily and not sure how long we can hold on. Really need disability to come through, but even with that, finances will be very tough.

We drove by a couple of houses that would be so perfect....Want to get one of them in particular, and would if not for the lack of resources. It had enough room for our family and even had a basement, which we really would like. It is hard to cope with the realization of having what one desperately needs, is very much in view, and always just out of reach.

It is becoming very hard to keep Pam out of depression, and I wonder about myself much also. I really don't know where I am standing mentally...Very tired. I used to have so much hope, anticipation, and drive. Now I have despair, depression, and confusion. Fighting hard to regain hope... The hearing is set for June 10!

It seems like life started and ended before we really got into the game. Am praying for a fair start again.

Lord deliver us!

Monday, May 24, 2004

Fairly good day

Today was ok. Pam had to work, but was home early...Around 2. The kids did pretty well with their new list of chores I created for them.

Pam was in a pretty good mood and we all became enthused as she brought in some heat and eat food: hot pretzels, pizza rolls, and sausage!

Had a moderate amount of pain so all in all was pretty good!

We also watched some pretty good DVD's!

It is now 4:22 a.m., and am still very much awake.

Tomorrow I go to the attorney to discuss my disability hearing. I pray things work out, for if they don't, we are sunk! One of our state legislators sent a pretty good letter to the powers that be, in support of a positive decision on the hearing.

I really hate fibromyalgia.