Crappy Morning...

I woke up this morning feeling fairly crappy, which was not too bad; I determined it would be a good day! I would let my good attitude be the captain of my day. I get out of bed, rub each of my kid's on the head, trip over the cat and give my wife a kiss.

She, the good wife, would soon be heading to a neighboring town to fulfill some contract work that needed to be done today, and me, the good husband, decided to help her out. I went out and loaded the van with all the supplies she would need for the day, and then, only after it was loaded, I notice it had a flat tire. A "crappy" flat tire!

Being the resourceful guy I am, and following the "good attitude" captain, I move all the stuff to our other van and was quite proud that I had managed to deal with the crappy situation without losing my cool.

Now, being that it was the coldest morning of the year (27 degrees) I decide to have the van warm for my wife, so I jump in to start it and, "click, click, click," went the crappy other van! The crappy battery was dead! I didn’t mention that my wife was inside making pancakes, light, fluffy, golden brown butter soaked pancakes; the kind that always soaks up the perfect amount of syrup. I also didn’t mention that I initially intended to be outside for a couple of minutes that I was barefoot and wearing only a T-shirt & my lazy sweat pants (no drawstring).

So here I am freezing to death in a crappy dead van that is parked next to a crappy lame van and all I want to do is be inside eating those pancakes! I decide that I needed to warm myself by setting both vans on fire…but no, the good captain attitude kicks in and say’s, “today is going to be a good day,” so I get out and decide what a good husband would do…better yet, what a “smart” husband would do. Because no “real” redneck would ever allow his wife to be seen driving around in a vehicle with one of those “donut” spare tires mounted, I would have to pull one of the good tires from the dead van and put it on the lame van, and then drive into town and get the flat fixed and have it mounted back where it belonged at the station. I would then drive back home and put the borrowed tire back on the dead van. In all truth, I could have just sent her on her way with the borrowed tire, but redneck pride wouldn’t let me suffer having my good wife being seen driving a vehicle with a wheel that didn’t match.

In my new direction, I head back into the house, walk past the inviting pancakes, reassure my wife all would be well, and put some shoes and jacket on. I then head back out past the pancakes and commence the operation. I jack up the dead van and remove a tire and position it for placement on the lame van. I then jack up the lame van and half way into the process it slips off the jack, which becomes pinned underneath. Now I am really mad! My only choices were to either place the borrowed tire back on the crappy dead van and borrow it’s jack to raise the lame van so I could retrieve it’s jack, or dig the trapped jack out. I chose to dig the jack out because a good redneck never does the same work twice.

Now with the jack back into position I remove the crappy flat tire and the stupid jack slips again! So back I go digging the jack out and once again, raising the vehicle, and finally I get the borrowed tire put into place. I have never, ever, had a vehicle fall off a jack like this!
Now that the vehicle is mobile, I drive to the station in town and get the tire fixed. I wasn’t able though, to get fixed tire placed back on the van because the station’s crappy jack was in use elsewhere…I would just have to put the right tires back onto their rightful owners back home.

Back home, I jack up the lame van and put the right tire back into place and then move to put the borrowed tire back onto the dead van when it’s crappy jack falls! So…I get the jack from the repaired van and go to work on it when “that” jack falls! Now I have both jacks trapped underneath the crappy dead van. An hour later I have them dug out and place them both under the vehicle and finally get the stupid crappy borrowed tire back into place.

Oh, being that it was freezing cold, it would figure that I would have my lazy sweat pants on which resulted in the constant battle of plumber’s pants syndrome…crappy sweats!

I have never had such a crappy morning! But, when I went back inside, the good wife makes me a stack of pancakes that would bring Paul Bunyon to his knees…I have never had such a good morning either…